Embrace Your Inner Degenerate

Won’t Somebody Think Of The Children!

This weekend is coming as a relief to both of our hosts. Tony Bennett finally left after a week long engagement in Brian’s guest room, and Tommy is back at home after a Thelma and Louise-esque road trip. Five questions that can’t be answered and home made ketchup are featured prominently.

Additional topics include, another Vegas casino finds a new owner, the Planet Hollywood magic show finds a new skank, the return of shit on the floor, some personal ads for the ladies, and of course, hookers, hookers, and more hookers.

Email: Brian Mollica brian@notiowa.com and Tommy Dutch tom@notiowa.com Give us a call 206-203-Iowa

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33 Responses to Won’t Somebody Think Of The Children!

  1. I’m only 6 minutes into the podcast and I had to put this up there as the best line of the show:

    “Granny Mofobes is all about bullets and ketchup”

  2. Thanks for the tips guys, I’ll definitely get a cab back and forth. I’m looking forward to beer in Vegas that’s not “sex in a canoe”.

    Sorry to hear the Love it/Hate it segment go but I’ll give you guys props for being able to recognize when it had to go.

    If you guys need filler for a segment I might be able to whip up a short little segment on tips to earn comps at casinos. I’m no pro by any means but I can pass along what information I know. Off the top of my head I could probably think of 5 or so tips I could do.

    PS. Website poll is still male/female.

  3. patch406 says:

    Aloha.
    I’ve been on the IR for a couple of weeks, but I’ve returned.

    I need to add a few details and clarify a few issues about the story concerning the dental clinic floor duece. The situation really presents a serious/hilarious ethical dilema/debate.

    Let me set the stage, the dental clinic I go to is in suburban Seattle and it’s fairly classly. EVERYONE that works there is female (including my dentist) and younger to middle age and relatively attractive and well dressed and nicely put together. The office is actually pretty plush. I had an appt for a cleaning. I had been in a meeting and I had been drinking coffee and I ate some pecan bar so my teeth were all jacked up and I wanted to sneak into the restroom and brush my teeth. This restroom (THE ONLY ONE) is unisex and is right near the reception desk. It’s super fancy and obviously designed and maintained by a woman or the entire cast of Queer Eye. It’s got this mood lighting and muted colors and a delicate bouquet. There are LITERALLY two nice candles burning. It feels like the spa at the Venetian. There are these handy disposible single use tooth brushes in there for clowns like me. I arrive and I say hello. The 2 women at the desk greet me. I also work in the medical field and everyone at this clinic knows what I do for a living. I glide by them and into the can. I step in there and out of the corner of my eye I notice something dark on the tile floor. A MILLION THOUGHTS GO THROUGH MY BRAIN. That cannot be a turd. The seat is pristine. No scids in the bowl. The item in question has the diameter of about a nickel and looks like the top of a diary queen ice cream cone. I investigate further and oh yeah, it’s a duece. My mind is blown. SERIOUSLY WHAT DO YOU DO?

    I can’t imagine how it happened. It was right in front of the bowl as if somebody stood up and then squeezed out a tiny finale on to the floor. I basically felt there were three options. Hide the crime. Narc on somebody. Leave the scene (hit and run). I quickly ruled out the leaving the scene since obviously the entire office KNEW I was in there and would assume I did that. I can’t have that pressure. I couldn’t imagine walking out and telling the receptionists. What if she had just punted one off in there and did a miserable job wiping or whatever. Think of the horrible embarassment. I thought the only solution was reach down and destroy the evidence. I got a piece of tp and gently picked up the shit. It was slightly adherent and left a little moisture ring on the tile. Now it hit me that it basically had to be one of the women who worked in that office. It was pretty fresh. I was basically the only patient and THE only man in the house.

    I’ve run the scenario by several people. Most men conceed that cleaning it up is the only option. You just can’t get blamed for that and it a turd is found on a floor….a dude ALWAYS did it. Gender profiling. My wife and my mother both were appauled that I didn’t immediately throw a flag and call it out ala the Tommy Dutch decision. I’m curious on what others would do. I felt like I was going to be on Punk’d or something.

  4. KevinInCalgary says:

    I have never seen anyone who shit directly on the floor, but I have a similar story.

    I was working as an auditor and we had an oil and gas client in a small town. Their head office was in the town’s former court house that was built in the early 1900s. The toilets were on the main floor of the building and they had been renovated when my client moved in. There were 2 urinals and 2 stalls with toilets.

    On the second day we were out there the maintenance man had pulled one of the toilets out of one of the stalls as he had to work on the pumbing, but there was still one stall that was operational.

    There was also a Revenue Canada (our version of the IRS) auidtor out there, this same week. Over the lunch hour when the maintenance man was gone, this guy went into the John saw this toilet sitting in the middle of the floor facing 2 stalls and decided that this was how they did things in small town and took a dump in the non-working toilet.

    If this was not bad enough, he couldn’t flush as there was no water in the tank, but he was an ambitious guy. He went out to the lunch room, got an empty coffee pot, filled up the tank with water from the sink and then tried to flush. Twice.

    At this point, shit and piss and water went every where in the bathroom.

    He fled the scene, but the restrooms were in eye sight of the receptionist and he was the only guy to go in or out before someone discovered the mess.

    As this was a small town, the story spread like wild fire and from that point on when I was introduced to anyone as being the Company’s auditor, I had to make it clear that I was not the guy that took the dump and tried to flush it.

  5. patch406 says:

    Amazing.
    My brother worked in this small shop with one shitter that was right next to the receptionist who was superhot. He went in and cranked out what we call a “beach to beacher”…that’s a grumpy that’s so big that it actually ends up out of the water. Long story short…the badboy won’t go down and there’s no plunger in the can. So he’s faced with literally leaving the can and having to go get a plunger somewhere else and walk BACK into the can in front of the receptionist carrying the plunger or what he ultimately did….the HAND BREAKER. He reached down and broke up the collosal stool by his own hand. Classic.

  6. Johnny Tulip says:

    I heard you guys talking about getting knocked up in Vegas and being stuck with a kid for 18 years. Well I think in Kentucky you can marry them off at 13. Also what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas? Not when you have some stupid pussy whipped friends that get drunk and tell their wives about stuff. “Loose lips sink ships.” Also I like to travel Tommy maybe you can plan a trip for me and Momma Dutch then you would know who she is with. I would probably just take her out for some frozen yogurt I think she likes that stuff.

    Also Tommy might end up in a cage someday in the back of a pick-up, but he needs to start pulling the “don’t you know who I am” card. “You know, I have that podcast with that guy B-mo the one with the giant head.”

    Wow! It is way to early to be drinking this much.

  7. cb says:

    Unfortunately, I have another bathroom story and this one actually happened in Vegas. Last July, my brothers and I took a drive to Red Rock Canyon to check things out. There’s this little sight seeing pull-off that has a touristy boardwalk around this meadow. They don’t have any buildings there, but they do have these brick stand-alone bathrooms that looked fairly nice. When I go in there, there’s a pile of crap sitting on the stool on the back of the seat. It’s like someone was trying to not sit on the seat and totally missed. These outhouse buildings aren’t air conditioned (110 degrees) so this crap looked like it was really baked on.

    After the trip around the boardwalk we returned to our car that was next to the outhouse and I see a government maintenance truck in the parking lot. When we got closer to our car we could hear a man swearing and the sound of equipment being thrown around and banging from inside the outhouse. After a few minutes of this, a seriously pissed-off maintenance man emerges from the outhouse with his bucket, brushes and portable water sprayer and he non-stop swears a string of obscenities from the outhouse all the way across the parking lot to his truck. You know he was thinking he doesn’t get paid enough for this shit. Taxpayers money at work.

  8. patch406 says:

    Somebody “drew back iron” eh? Just like when you hit that piece of metal that holds the rim to the backboard in basketball. Players with ugly linedrive type shots ala Scottie Pippin are notorious for drawing back iron. That also baffles me. Are they sitting so far back they simply miss or is their ass so huge they simply have no idea where their cornhole actually is?

  9. Dutch says:

    Shocking! Everyone is posting about poop once agian. Show after show we provide a variety of educational and insightful comments about a wide range of topics. It’s difficult to understand why the listeners only wish to discuss feces. What in the world is it about our show that attracts such adolescent humor?

  10. YoTime Joe says:

    I’m with ya there Dutch. I would have left it alone.

    Mofobes gotta say I’m dissappointed we weren’t there for the road trip. Great news on the Free Roll.

    When ya talking bout Precious I can’t get the image of Silence of the Lambs out of my mind.

    I will tell 1 story from trip and it is to do with playing poker in Palms. I think I won 3 hands all night, the 1st against Tommy & he seemed geuinely happy that I won. The 2nd was against MoFobes, Tommy asked him if he had to lose should be happy to lose to me. I think we got maybe 1 grunt out of him. Now I understand, I was playin like a tourist and the serious player wasn’t happy.

  11. Admin says:

    Yeah I’m with Tommy, I have no problem with what patch did, but what if some walked in on you cleaning up?

    Dipper that video with copper was a classic, it’s a pity I feel ill because I had tickets to see he’s show at the Melbourne Comedy Festival. Btw Chopper is based of one of Australia’s most loved crime figures Chopper Read.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mark_Brandon_Read

  12. Scott J. says:

    Interesting show, I think those last 30 minutes may have set a new podcasting standard for whore and shit talk.

    On a gambling note, can’t believe that Dallas is still a 4 point favorite over the Warriors on Sunday. Warriors +4 may be the pick of the year. Brian, liking your +1100 ticket on the Warriors.

  13. Slashdogx says:

    Tommy – I can’t believe you told another crap on the floor story and are now suprised that it is the main topic of conversation. When I heard it on the Podcast I thought – Here we go all over again.

    The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result.

    The remaining 59 mins of the show were highly entertaining as always.

    Steve aka p_enut, I for one would be interested to hear a segment on your comp tips.

    TD and BMO – Excellent call on saying the GS could upset Dallas, regardless of the series result to come, it was a good call considering the first 3 games.

  14. Trainfan John says:

    Tommy Dutch? or Tommy “Dutchess”??????

    That’s the question on my mind. Exactly what is Dutch’s/Ductchess’ new gig??

    A quick google of the Porn Director’s phone number revealed a “Dutchess” on a Chicago (TD Spend some time in Chitown) Craig’s list hiring call girls.

    http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/adg/318710574.html

  15. Dutch says:

    Slash doggy dog, I didn’t tell any poop stories I just listened. After reading about it, I know would have come out of that bathroom screaming. There is evidence for God’s sake, how could something so small come out of a man my size? Fuck! I can’t believe I’m contributing to this.

    Train, Let’s keep my past life in Chitown on the low down, I mean down low, no doubt!

    P.S. who the fuck googles porn director’s phone numbers?

  16. patch406 says:

    Oh come on Tommy don’t make me tell the “why is shit tapered on both ends joke”

    Now on to Vegas news.

    Two points.

    First Carlos Mortenson won the WPT Championship with Kojack. Another nearly $4 mil winner for Kojack

    Second. GUY LALIBERTE the founder and CEO of Cirque du Soliel and BILLIONIARE took down 4th place for around 7 hundy. I’m glad the Frenchy got an extra paycheck. He’s gotten a couple of mine in the past going to “O” and other Cirque Shows.

  17. patch406 says:

    Could somebody remind me of who that journalist was that read the personal ad of some sketchy probable meth dealer airing his desire to chaw the skanky box of an octogenarian on a recent podcast for all the world to hear under the umbrella of “newsradio”? ZING!

  18. brian says:

    I take full responsibility for relaying the poop story, but Patch hit it perfectly, we can’t pretend it’s the one sliver of sophmoric humor in the history of the show. Slah’s post made me laugh the poop story made you roll your eyes in disgust, but the 10 minute hooker manifesto and the story of the dude who’ll bang anyone/thing doggy style was ok?

  19. Trainfan John says:

    TD – Speaking of your Chitown days — were you doing your improv here ? I just hired a guy who was at imrov olymics – thought he might know you – but before I reveal to anyone that I actually listen to and contribute to this – I thought I’d check first.

  20. mofobes says:

    hey joe, i was having fun when we were playing at the palms, i just don’t like to lose and have short flashes of anger that pass pretty quickly.

    p_enut, i’d love to hear your tips on comps.

    good catch on the guy laliberte, patch, i saw thought too. i watched some of the final table when they were 8 handed on thursday. he won’t even notice the $700K he made. he and brad booth met playing at the bellagio and have become good friends. on rounders, brad was talking about hanging out with him on his yacht in the mediterranean. he must have given him some good lessons.

  21. Dutch says:

    Train,
    Chances are very slim that I would know them. They would had to have been at Second City in 2002 -2004, however if they were recently with I.O. we may have at least one common acquaintance. They probably know Lindsey with Dave & Company.

  22. Patch I think you should call in your tapered poop joke into Behind the Bricks.

    I also have to second TD’s call out on Trainfan John, why the hell were you googling porn director’s phone numbers? Trying to get a part time job as a fluffer or something?

    Good to know there are a couple of people that are interested in the casino comp tips segment, any word from the TAI staff?

  23. YoTime Joe says:

    MoFobes – I fully understand. Especially after the night I’ve just had ( tryin to educate people on poker ). Just tellin 1 story dipper wasn’t there for.

    Just 1 more thing for everyone re OZ day. The day didn’t finish at 10pm it finished 8:30am friday after a 10 1/2 hr craps session 4 dipper. I chimed in after a couple of hours sleep and 2 Scallops.

  24. brian says:

    Play for Saturday: Cavs -5 over Wizards

    I woke up a little too late to post my Pistons pick (just as well as they pushed) but I love the Cavs big today. Washington put up the best fight they had in game 2. I’m expecting them to roll over the rest of the way.

  25. Slashdogx says:

    I’m still holding TD responsible for the outbreak of deuce talk even though BMo appears responsible on the surface.

    My rational: It is BMo’s job, his literal profession, to make a run at finding humor in nearly all situations. He does that well and gets a pass on almost all topics. TD on the other hand, provides a just a bit of consciousness to the proceedings (oddly, BMo plays both roles well on the Comedy podcast). However slim it is, TD is the voice of conduct and pragmatic (not political) conservatism – admittedly slim but true nonetheless. Thus when the topics hit the most basic level, crap on the floor, it is TD who I look to for ensure the discussion does not go completely off the rails. Then again, maybe I just need to HTFU. And really, it didn’t go too far this time I must admit – I just had to post on that item last night after hearing the podcast on the way home at 2:00 am from a friendly monthly poker game.

    All that said, I did think Patch and Kevins stories were interesting and well articulated social conundrums.

  26. dipperfc says:

    RE: the talk about hookers one of the best pieces of advise I got from Joe was.

    Dipper:”Man if your at a bar how do you know what girls are hookers?”
    Joe:”If you smile at a girl & she slides over to you, she is a hooker because no non-working girl would have anything to do with you!” Simple really.

    Dutch RE:the almost in tears talking about my bubs – I’ll take the 5th,but I will admit maybe i do need to HTFU. But some tears I can remember on my Vegas trip was over missing scallops. Not really,I can’t remember much about that dinner either.
    But I can recall what a great time we had during the 8 hour drink-a-thon with you guys & MoFobes,drinking while talking about gambling,sport,Vegas,poker,cocktail waitresses,strippers,etc it doesn’t get much better,was a big highlight of my whole holiday.That & watching baseball in the LVHilton sportsbook while a cocktail waitress older than my mum brings me beers.

    Hottest cocktail waitresses were Wynns,Palms & Excalibur get’s a mention (something about the tacky outfit & tendency toward chunky butts really worked for me but may not be everyone’s cup of tea).

    Tony – bet you were pissed off about missing that gig, it would have been good,by the way didn’t you like anything on this w/e’s AFL or will there be something later today?

  27. Admin says:

    Geelong at -19.5 is my bet of the day V the Kangaroos.

    And the Western Bulldogs to beat the Hawks by under 24 points and that pays $3.15.

    All Melbourne based teams, but the form line is so strong it’s hard to go past these two plays.

    3-0-1

    Dipper I was very pissed off to miss it, as I’d also planned to see an number of other acts that night. Seeing you are based in Sydney maybe you could give us a review of the Starcity and how does it compare to other casinos you’ve visited, both home and abroad?

  28. Mobile Geek says:

    TD I need your help!

    I need for you to go to the Flamingo and ask them what room number has the window for Toni Braxton’s snatch on the mural of her. I need to get that room for my next vacation.

    Thanks in advance!!!

  29. dipperfc says:

    T – nice work on the Bulldogs

    Hawthorn 93 Western Bulldogs 110
    (1-24) $3.15 (or +215) ding,ding,ding!

    But bad luck on the Cats
    Geelong 102 Kangaroos 118

    A nice profit! Keep it up buddy but can we get the tips earlier?

    Yeah I will do a review on Starcity (Sydney’s psuedo casino) but going there after being in Vegas is like drinking Fosters when you have just been drinking Crown (or MGD’s – best beer I had in the USA).

  30. Admin says:

    Yeah I’ll try and put me tips up when the show comes out Friday night.

    Not a huge fan of crownies, more a coppers man but I hear what your saying(I’ll be shot if any Victorian hears that I drink a SA beer). Nothing more than a glorified Rooty Hill RSL?

    While I’m here I might as well do a mini beer review. Of the main breweries Coppers Sparkling Ale has to be number 1, with Cascade Pale Ale getting an honorable mention. But as far as the best beer in Australia it has to be anything from Little Creatures, but if you are in the mood for something a little different the Black and Tan from the Grand Ridge Brewery is worth a shot

  31. Dutch says:

    loving the Aussie contribution! Good to see dipper up to his old tricks and great to have YoTime Joe in the mix as well.

    Streve aka p_enut, I think it’s unanamous, we would all love to hear what you have to say about comps. It would make for a great call in but however you wish to educate us will be very much appreciated.

  32. dipperfc says:

    Celebrity sighting:When staying at Ceasars they where filming the Sopranos & I saw Gandolfini off-set,Gee he was huge! Bigger than the bouncers even!

    Love it : Coyote Ugly’s – a place where a 40yo ‘loser’ can have a good perv & drink without feeling to out of place.

    Hate it : Ceasars Sportbook – no free drinks for small punters, you have to have a $250 ticket to get comped! Thus, about $7.5 per beer (including tip) you need to bet heaps of winners just to get pissed.

  33. Lady Grey says:

    So this show has left me wondering a few things. 1, where on earth do you buy lube by the gallon? And 2, why do I not spend more time in Vegas?

    Also, it has left me with this crazy fear of public bathrooms.

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